Just a quick and short one before I go off and meet my boy ;) I am back from my awesome Japan trip and it was wayyyyyyyy too fantastic to be even described as FANTASTIC! It was an unforgettable trip and it felt as if I could stay there forever! Except that I was a little homesick after a week or so. I missed the Malaysian food so much I was craving for teh tarik, nasi lemak and roti canai every night! Conclusion? AWESOME. Gonna blog a long ass post on that next time!

On the other hand, I just wanna say that I'm the luckiest girl to have found my boy! *blush* I feel very very VERY loved whenever he's around me and.. what more can I say? I'm glad.. Just very very glad.

Have a splendid week ahead.

x



I am so sorry.

To have upset you. To have made you feel lost. To have made you go crazy every time I try to ignore you. To have broke your heart with the words I said. I've never seen you so upset before. I thought that you'd still be the usual you. The you whose laughter melts my heart every time.

When I saw it, I felt nothing. Well.. that was what I thought. Suddenly, I felt the pieces of my heart slowly falling. My heart cracked and I realised then that it was because of that.
I picked up the courage.. to say those cruel words to you. I knew you would be so upset.. but I did not imagine that you'd be SO goddamn upset and angry. It hurt me so much I couldn't sleep and eat well. You think that I said it out just for the fun of it.
No.. You were so wrong. Like I said, I have my own reasons for being such a bitch to you.. It hurts me more than anything else to see you getting so upset.

You said your heart broke and you were disappointed. What about me? Don't you think that I was disappointed too? Things are too obvious right now its impossible to run away from the fact. But.. you're just.. out of reach. There's so much running in my mind right now. Uncertainties..
I'm sorry to have said that to you but.. I had to.

I had to 'test' my own courage, my own feelings and so much more. I wish I could've just tell you what's in my mind then but I can't. Cause I had my own reasons..
I know how upset you are right now but I am probably ten thousand times MUCH more sad and angry at myself compared to you because I just can't seem to forgive myself.. to have said those idiotic and brainless words to you.
It breaks my heart to have broke yours.. I wish you'd known.. That I was a fool last night.. That I wasn't thinking right last night..

When you said that I go emo over you for no reasons.. Its not true. Every time I receive your texts and calls I feel happy and delighted. But.. things just got me thinking. Will it be different when you're back next month? Will things change and be like what we used to do last time before you left? Text once every week or so? Will we feel awkward and uneasy when we meet up?
If you said that how and what I feel DOES matter to you.. Don't you think that I am thinking exactly like you too?

If words can be said so easily.. then why can't we say what's been buried deep in our heart long ago? I cried and cried for you.. Just because of my sudden stupidity..

I'm sorry..



This afternoon.. I felt as if I am nothing in this world. Well at least this was what I thought.
Maybe its been a while since someone last told me that my presence is actually important to them.
You might say that I'm emo again. Can't deny that I was.. I look at photos of pretty girls and I go like.. SHIT?

I think I did this kinda thing before previously but I am gonna do this again to remind me how boring I am.

- I don't dress up like a fashionista. I wear tshirts and shorts and flip flops all the time.
- I don't go for parties eg: clubbing etc
- I listen to old songs instead of trance or whatsoever
- I stay home 24/7 and rarely go out
- I read mangas and loads of books (nerd)
- I play classical music (BORING)
- and etc too lazy to type everything that defines how fucking pathetically boring I am

but hey.. If I were a guy, I would find lmm boringgggggg. I wish I could be like any other girls who find the time and interest to dress up nicely.. BUT I JUST CAN'T because I am boring like that.. Wait how many times have I said the word boring so far? Oh shit.. did I just said it again? FML

What would you do if you were me? Would you be dull and sour for the rest of your life till you find out that you're actually wasting time doing so?
Well.. I was planning to be like this when someone popped up and said something very magical to me, telling me that I am someone who's specially important to him..

I... kinda.. stayed stoned for a moment looking at it.. and my tears started gushing down like nobody's business. But... its just words now.. anyone could've said it right? *sighs*
The only thing that I have to do right now at this moment is just to wait.. wait for the actions. Not words.

I am AFRAID goddamnit!! Why do I have this stupid fear and phobia going on in me?
AKDHAKJDSHAKJSHDAKJHAKHAKJDSH23092810938019328109389012831!!



How could I let someone who was ONCE in my life ruin me like this? I CAN'T SO THEREFORE I WON'T LET IT HAPPEN!

I love it when he says the sweetest things to me. I love it when he makes me cry tears of joy. I love it when he cares for me. I love it when he takes me in like I'm a part of his world 'already'. I love it when he cracks stupid jokes and makes me smile like a fool. I love to read our texts over and over again. I love it when I see its him who texts me. I love it when I listen to his songs before I go to sleep every night. I love it when he calls me sweet names. I love how he teases me and after knowing that I'm upset, he'd say sorry.

The thing I like bout him so far is the things that he said to me this afternoon which actually made me cried like a baby. These feelings.. they're making my heart beats faster every time it happens.
Let us all pray that this won't be another "passer-by".. Am not gonna determine anything yet. Let time do its magic and we will see how things work out. *winks*
All I know right now is that.. someone cares for me.. and I care for him too.


And I don't want this to end...


x


p/s: and oh.. I also love it when he takes me in for who I am. :) a nerd, someone who plays boring classical Chinese music, someone who rarely dress up, and someone who loves his singing more than anything else. At least.. I will stay special in his heart.. for now ;)



I have been skipping meals lately and I know this is bad but I can't help it at all. I am stressed and I am so worn out, sometimes I just feel like lying on bed for the whole day and have nothing to do at all. Assignments are waiting for me, also gonna be darn busy preparing for our not-confirmed year end concert in Shen Zhen, China, worrying bout Japan cause I've planned nothing and so many other stuffs that's been bugging my mind.
I feel so restless and tired and at some point of time I just felt like giving up..

Every day when I get home, I just wanna sleep and forget about everything that's stuck in my head. I used to have someone to talk to every day when I got home. I'd talk on the phone and every worries in my head will just flow out like how those words flow out from my mouth. I used to have that person. I used to.

And luckily enough... I think.. I have someone else who could lessen this burden for me now.. A good friend.. good good friend :)
I guess whenever I'm in doubt and when I'm feeling extra emotional, I'd choose to listen to the voice of his to feel okay again.. I feel blessed because whenever I feel 6 feet under.. he could easily make me laugh and smile like normal again.

But I am so afraid.. so so so so so afraid of falling into the same hole twice. I have a phobia.. I admit it.. Trust issues? *sigh*
Is this gonna be another 'passer-by'? Or will it be different this time?
*Shakes head* can't think too much now. Its such an awful timing to get involved in this kinda situation now.
Sleeping early so that I could work on those damn assignments tomorrow.

Good night.

x



 So.. I was rummaging through our old photos the other day when I found out that I actually really do look a lot like my Mom when she was young. Compared to Pink and the rest, I had her resemblance and it was a scary figure of 90% lookalike! Friends started commenting on one of her photos where she was only 19 years old and they were saying how much I look like her its almost scary! Haha..

Thus... out of uber boredome-ness (which is wrong because I have tons of assignments piled up), I actually did like a lil transformation into Mom, which was kinda effortless because I already look so much like her, and did a silly lil photoshoot!

Here goes! ;)



Okay, first up. This photo of Mom was taken back in approximately 18 to 19 years back when she was 30 plus and look at how gorgeous she was! That's me in her arms by the way -.-. She had this really sharp and unique features which I FORTUNATELY inherited from her and look how she rocked the red lips? I wore the same pair of shades that I wore in the left picture. Yup, mom actually kept it for 18 to 19 years and gave it to me. According to her, it was a present from Dad when he went to Paris last time. Vintage much?
Notice the similar hairline that we both have? I just got to know that its called a "Widow's Peak". So cool huh? I don't really know people who have this hairline cause again, according to many people, this is not a very common thing! I've had bangs since like forever so when I actually pinned up my bangs to take this photo, I realised that my forehead is actually quite high! Which... Mom says.. I am very 'dai fong'. Great.. So yeah.. How would you guys rate this photo in terms of how much I look like my Mom?
I give it a 7.5 out of 10! :)





Now the 2nd one here is more epic. See, the picture of my Mom on the right was the one that stirred up this whole "Oh-my-god-YiMann-you-look-like-your-mother-a-lot" topic and was also the picture that 'inspired' me. I looked at her in this photo for a really long time and I thought, "Damn, Mom... I DO look like you!"
Even if one day I got lost *touch wood*, I think it'd be pretty easy for you guys to find me back right? Since I look SO MUCH like her!! As you can see, I did a really simple make up. I had no lashes and contact lens. Just purple eye shadow that my mom loved to apply when she was younger. A reasonable amount of liquid liner to keep things simple, and a few coats of mascara. Not forgetting Mom's personal favourite, lining the waterline! Unlike her, I have reallllllly long hair now (almost touching my waist) and my bangs were too darn long to make them bouncy like how Mom did hers. So the most vintage way of styling my bangs were just to simply part them in the middle and comb  my hair backwards to give that illusion of shorter hair..

I had the pinkest - reddest lips I've ever had in my whole makeup life for this look! Mom really loved applying super duper blood and bold shades of red lip colours last time and I didn't realise that I'd be taking the photos in this colour tone so I, too, applied that amount of lipstick! FML. Can't be seen anyway.
I also failed miserably in posing like her. I took almost a hundred shots and they either looked dull, or they just don't make me look like Mom at all. Mom has a much sharper face shape, my eyes are slightly bigger and my nose is also slightly sharper but whatever it is.. I seriously do look like her, don't I?!
I give this photo a 9 out of 10! Scary right? Hahaha!

I had so much trouble while taking the photos cause I couldn't really see properly without my specs and mind you, I had no contact lens on so I was literally half blind! I had a super hard time mending my hair and I almost gave up because I just couldn't be bothered to fix my bangs! When I showed Mom these 2 photos, she was laughing so loudly and even she couldn't believe that I resemble her that much! :)
Mom was and still is a gorgeous lady. She has this really unique features and she was always teased last time with people calling her names that says that she's not a pure Chinese, which was quite an insult last time! Mom passed her beauty to me and I wanna pass her beauty to my future daughter too. I am glad I look like her because every time I look at myself, I see her. :)

Thank you Mommy dearest for everything that you've done for me. I will dedicate this post for you on behalf of Mother's Day. Sorry for not being able to celebrate it on that day itself as we'll be in Japan. I promise we'll celebrate a week earlier okay? *kiss* I love you Momma dearest!!


*




Random shots taken after accomplishing the 'mission'! Pretty retro huh? I'll reserve this for my timeline cover! Hah!




Realised I've never taken any photos with my bangs all pinned up before so here you go! High forehead.. hmm.. Please ignore the pimple. BB cream does wonders! My new favourite/lazy way of getting my make up done is with BB cream and some powder to coat it up just to make it look more matte and less shiny. Weird looking at my photos without big ass contacts! So here you go!
This concludes my post.. Have a lovely week/weekend ahead!

x



Its either the hormones are kicking in or I'm just feeling VERY fucking annoyed and vexed lately. Or just those damn PMS playing tricks on me again. I am just SO annoyed by everything for the past few days! I know I'm supposed to be all excited and yeehaw yahoo weeha kinda shit over the Japan trip but seriously with the amount of assignments I'm facing now I might as well just kill myself already.
Yes yes its another post where I rant my head off. Same old type of rant where I come in talking bout my assignments blablablablabla boring shit but HEY this is my blog! To whom am I supposed to rant to if not to my blog?

I wish I'd have more time to do more researches on the trip.. like where to go, what to eat, what to do and etc etc but these buggers are strangling me to DEATH. I don't mind having 4 bloody assignments to work on but hello, the other two of them has REALLY got my brain cracking because I have no single idea on how to work on it! Fcking senseis are almost close to useless because so far I've never really understood a single shit that they taught.
Disclaimer: This does not only happen on me okay?

Imagine everyone's been planning on things that they'll do when they're there in Japan and here I am talking bout Belbin tests, marketing communications, whateverfucking system operations shit blablabla. FUCK.
I'm supposed to be so motivated by that trip but why am I feeling otherwise?
I suddenly feel so pissed and annoyed bout the trip too cause some things that I DID NOT want to happen has already happened. UGH. Fuck. Pissed to the core.

I have seriously been praying to GYM every night so that everything will go smoothly when we're there and BEFORE we're there. Please GYM just protect us and please please please bless us so that we'll reach Japan safely and then reach Malaysia safely again.
For now, I'mma be damn greedy too cause I'm gonna ask dear GYM to 'bless' me so that I could gaotim my assignments FAST and efficiently. I am so doooooooooooooooooooooomed.

I am still very annoyed and pissed now even though I've typed out those 2 words for the hundred millionth time but fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck why am I feeling so goddamn pissed now?!!!?!??!!??!?!?
I feel so pissed I just wanna cry and go to sleep. Goddamnit what the heck's happening to me?

Okay its the hormones. Confirm.

Time to sleep else I'll be smashing my laptop or god knows what.

Bye.




8TV's 8th birthday bash in 1 Utama with "Lan Qiao" in the middle. "IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN". That's his name in Namewee's Nasi Lemak 2.0. To the one who pushed me towards 'the middle', I will kill you.




Poor finger of mine. Shot took after another show in 1 Utama. Forgot to tape on the tapes and my finger started bleeding halfway through the show. FUGGING PAIN please. Skin tore off and blood came gushing out. That was a good try on exaggerating right? Please say yes.




Group shot taken after our awesome pawesome show. If you're wondering why am I the only girl wearing the cheongsam, its because I'm kononnya the 'front line' and I'm supposed to look more.................. traditional/decent/girlie? I don't know but the other girls (Jes, Jo and Loretta) looked really cool and awesome in their outfit + their new instruments!! So yeah, 1 Utama welcomed us back this year and we certainly rocked their stage with a whole new different style of playing this year. Love how the crowd can just stand right in front of us and watch us play. Cameras/phones/ipad/tablets were all over the place. I'm pretty good at smiling at the camera. Stage fright level = 0. ASIAN.




And here are the juniors doing their 'thang' in The Curve. Spot the little girl on the right in pink? Yup, that's my cousin! Carmen woohoo!! Super proud of them, especially my lil cuzzie, cause they did a great job in performing this year. Who say the juniors can't come out and rock the stage?






An awesome picture of 4 of us taken on Bear's Chinese birthday. How happy!! And yes we're all grown up like that. When was the last time we took a photo like this together? :)





My first fortune cookie for year 2012. FUCK forgiving. HAHAHAHA. When I crack opened the damn cookie, all I wanted to say is FUCK THIS SHIT but obviously I can't (with dad and mom just beside me). I gave the fortune a big fat juicy nice lil middle finger in my mind and threw it away. There goes my fortune.





Pink, Mom and I in the car, on our way back to Seremban on the first day of CNY. BOOOORING. The trip back was pretty..... pointless as... there weren't many relatives back there already. Really miss those times when we used to be young and innocent, laughing and running around in the S'ban house with Popo and Mom cooking in the kitchen while Dad and the uncles sit outside and chat. *sigh*





Crazy picture with Pus in Josmiow's awesome new house. According to her, this is some whateverfucking Bryan Loo's pose so its a must do. I think she did a better job than me lo since she always see him doing this! You go girl! Hahaha!
Oh if you haven't noticed, I coloured my hair (DUH). Though its not really visible in this picture (go check out all the other pics up there) but I actually bleached my hair pretty hard this year. I didn't know what to do with my hair anymore and so I asked Ivan (my handsome hot cute hairstylist) to decide for me again. If I tie a half ponytail up and the golden hair would all be visible, screaming, THIS BITCH IS KILLING US BY FEEDING US YUCKY CHEMICALS!

Yeah.. I am quite bored with this colour already so I'm already planning to go dye it back to the shade of brown that I have that's covering the gold. Too striking. -_-





End of the CNY pictures and here we are at Avril's concert in Stadium Merdeka! Jamie and I rocking out the seats made out of rock. No pun intended. My ass was as flat as an A4 paper after the whole thing ended but I was too busy singing and wooing and cheering and screaming to realise how painful my ass was.





Hell yeah Avril Lavigne!! It was so much fun! Let's just hope that she'll come again next time and I'll get a closer seat for sure! I LOVE YOU LONG TIME AVRIL!!
It was drizzling that day and everyone had to get a raincoat for ourselves as we didn't wanted to get soaked by the awful rain. Luckily it was just drizzling a bit but we were so sweaty and sticky I felt like dying!






This is another pic of her (on the screen) FML.





That's Avril's concert ticket and I pinned it up on my wall already! ROCK ON!





Oh.. a photo of Val and I in a show back in year 2011. Why did this ended up in this post? Never mind I guess we both looked good that's why I "accidentally" uploaded it TROLOLOLOL.





Showing off my awesome ring. I'm really into crazy rings nowadays.. Guess I'm inspired by Michelle Phan. She's super gorgeous and smart and I am always inspired by her! Sorry for my messy hair.








NAMASTE my amigos! How have you guys been? Good? Bad? Naughty? Nice?

I know I know.. Obviously I've been slacking too much! The last post was on January 23rd and that's exactly 1 whole bloody month of no updates! I'm still pretty much alive you know. Was just too damn busy to turn on the computer to do anything. Thank God for my BB cause its the only thing that keeps me updated on Facebook and Twitter. Haven't seen me in a while? WHATSAPP ME! Ask me out for lunch! I am now officially FREE like a bird since CNY is gone!

Chinese New Year in 1 word? FUCKING HECTIC. Wait.. was that two? Never mind. But yeah it was so hectic. Its either I'm getting old or the jobs this year are pretty heavy duty. I was literally zombified every night when I come home! I don't even know what day or date it was. All I had to do every day was to check my schedule and prepare for my next performance. Hectic but FUN as always!
This year the juniors had their own fun time rocking the stage in Curve and man was I proud to see my own cousin aka student up there too! Jia you Carmen Lee! <3
Its almost time to give the stage for the juniors... *combs imaginary beard*
Okay maybe not. I still wanna stand on stages and perform! Its so fun! I wonder how many places and stages have I stepped on till now. Priceless experience!

Though I didn't get to spend MOST of my time at home but I certainly did enjoy this CNY just like every other CNY. *smiles*

Okie dokie. I'll blog more SEXCITING stuffs in the next post. Avril's concert and my life in the past 2 months. Did I just said Avril's concert?

FUCK YEAH I DID WENT FOR HER CONCERT AND IT WAS BLOODY EPIC!

Okay good night.

x



Just a really REALLY short one before I go to bed!

Happy Chinese New Year everyone and gong hei fatt choi!!
Eat, drink, gamble and laugh more this festive season!
Nothing's more important than being together with your family so go ahead and spend more time with your papa and mama!

x



Today, I dug a hole full of mud and fell into the puddle purposely. Knowing that its a damn puddle of mud.. I still stepped into it like a boss.

Okay damn it. I admit it. My hands were itching to look at 'em and with a few clicks.. I saw what I knew I would see and I got emo all over again. Well, not REALLY emo but it was enough to make me lay down on my bed for a really long time staring into thin air with thoughts running through my mind. Its been 8 months now and I can proudly say that I am already over it completely! When people start asking me whether have I moved on, I always reply with a really confident "OF COURSE!" But when I come home and just right before I go to bed.. I wonder if I was lying to them.. or rather... to myself. 4 years of being in a relationship.. 4 years of loving someone deeply with all my heart.. I gave everything to that person. My love, my heart, my time... All gone in 1 day. It'd be a lie if I said that I've forgotten everything that happened right? I've never regretted losing him but I've never stopped wondering the reason 'why' did he do such things to me.

As I was laying down on my bed listening to JM's songs.. I closed my eyes and pictured those days when I am in the embrace of his. I miss chilling on the bed with someone hugging me from behind.. playing with my hair. It made me feel like a child.. a child that was loved by someone so dearly..
I am not desperate of being in a relationship.. but I just miss those moments when I have someone missing me, loving me, thinking bout me every second..
And so... as JM sang emo love songs for me, I closed my eyes and teared,while I imagined someone wrapped arms around me.

I wish I was stronger on the inside so that I could handle all these stupid thinking and thoughts of mine. I've been working really hard for the past few weeks, hoping that I could get out from my shithole and stop thinking too much. Learning how to let go slowly and I guess I'm doing a perfectly great job in forgetting and letting go.. not of the fucker but of someone else. No more texts and facebook messages.
But wtf? Guanyinma trolled me again just now and I could not believe what appeared in front of me.
I swore like mad inside my heart for God to be trolling me this way!
Grr.. anyway.. I hope I'll let this slip off asap so that I could focus on whatever I'm doing properly. Work and studies!
I've been REALLY busy with work lately.. Come home late at night and waking up pretty early every morning. Definitely draining every bit of my energy but I'm enjoying this. Is this a bad sign? Workaholic? Anyway.. am looking forward to CNY.. I love the happy vibe and loud chatter of friends and family filling our new home.

Time to sleep now. Working like mad again tomorrow.

Good night.

x